WASHINGTON—In an impassioned defense against a slew of criticism, Federal Emergency Management Agency administrator Deanne Criswell stated Thursday that spending life preparing for natural disasters was no way to live. “It’s a beautiful day—do you really expect us to spend it stockpiling water bottles and canned food?” said Criswell, who implored FEMA’s long-standing critics to stop fretting over logistics and Doppler radar screens, and start living as if today was the first today of the rest of their life. “Sure, bad things are going to happen, but look at those gorgeous black skies, dark swirling clouds, and uprooted trees flying by. We at FEMA refuse to spend our days in fear. Yes, hurricane season is coming, but is it here yet? Are you standing on the roof of your home right this second? Is your waterlogged corpse currently floating through the streets? We say, live in the moment!” At press time, Criswell was instructing Americans to learn to find the beauty in a violently rotating column of air destroying everything in its path.