Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top

Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top

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Image for article titled Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top

On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.

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Gina Boswell, Bath And Body Works

Gina Boswell, Bath And Body Works

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“The lotion, in its immense wisdom, chose me.”

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Rosalind Brewer, Walgreens

Rosalind Brewer, Walgreens

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“Just tossed the bloodied head of my predecessor onto the table in front of the terrified board members.”

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Oprah Winfrey, OWN

Oprah Winfrey, OWN

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“I spake the forbidden words into The Void. The Void shrieked back at me, shaking my body to the very core of where a soul once would’ve been. The sacrifice was made. ‘Do you accept the terrible destruction that shall be wrought upon this Earth?’ asked The Void, its voice emanating from nowhere and everywhere. ‘I do,’ said I.”

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Michele Buck, Hershey

Michele Buck, Hershey

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“Wait, I’m CEO? Since 2017?! Shit, shit, shit, I gotta make some calls…”

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Karen Lynch, CVS

Karen Lynch, CVS

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“I let all 85.7 million customers from CVS cough in my face.”

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Jane Goodall, The Jane Goodall Institute

Jane Goodall, The Jane Goodall Institute

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“You have to be cut-fucking-throat with these chimps. If a male tries to rip off your face, you rip off theirs twice as hard.”

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Heyward R. Donigan, Rite Aid

Heyward R. Donigan, Rite Aid

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“What is the girlboss name for a woman doing extortion? I did that, and you can, too.”

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Rihanna, Fenty Beauty

Rihanna, Fenty Beauty

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“I earned my MBA at Wharton, then worked at McKinsey and Company for nine and a half years.”

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Safra Catz, Oracle

Safra Catz, Oracle

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“I just started putting ‘CEO’ on my business cards until it stuck.”

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Vicki Hollub, Occidental Petroleum

Vicki Hollub, Occidental Petroleum

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“Well, drinking as much oil as I do, I was far and away their best customer. I’d drink gallons and gallons of the black stuff, and eventually they took notice.”

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Kathy Warden, Northrop Grumman

Kathy Warden, Northrop Grumman

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“Women have such power when we collaborate. That’s why I’ve never missed an opportunity to blow another woman up.”

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Mary Barra, General Motors

Mary Barra, General Motors

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“I spent 15 grueling years working as a pickup truck in Detroit.”

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Tricia Griffith, Progressive

Tricia Griffith, Progressive

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You know Flo? I shot her in the face, tore her eyeballs out, and then bathed in her blood. And look where it got me!

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Kylie Jenner, Kylie Cosmetics

Kylie Jenner, Kylie Cosmetics

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“You have to work hard. I personally spent 12 grueling months as a non-commodifiable infant.”

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Carol Tomé, UPS

Carol Tomé, UPS

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“Cut off all my limbs so I could fit into a cardboard box. I felt silly when I realized there were bigger cardboard boxes, but it proved something about my dedication.”

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Linda Rendle, Clorox

Linda Rendle, Clorox

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“Well, all that needed to happen was a male former CEO had to do something very, very bad, and I was hired to take the fall, basically.”

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Michelle Gass, Kohl’s

Michelle Gass, Kohl’s

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“I started grinding at an early age, working long hours when my peers were goofing around, and by the time I turned 18, I’d already made my first million pants.”

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Barbara Corcoran, The Corcoran Group

Barbara Corcoran, The Corcoran Group

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“Oh my God, are you kidding me? I had to kill so many people. Way more people than a man would’ve had to.”

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Corie Barry, Best Buy

Corie Barry, Best Buy

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“I slept with every goddamn PlayStation in the store.”

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Special Coverage: International Women’s Day

Special Coverage: International Women’s Day

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You’ve Made It This Far...

You’ve Made It This Far...

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