Female CEOs Share What It Took To Get To The Top

“The lotion, in its immense wisdom, chose me.”

“Just tossed the bloodied head of my predecessor onto the table in front of the terrified board members.”

“I spake the forbidden words into The Void. The Void shrieked back at me, shaking my body to the very core of where a soul once would’ve been. The sacrifice was made. ‘Do you accept the terrible destruction that shall be wrought upon this Earth?’ asked The Void, its voice emanating from nowhere and everywhere. ‘I do,’ said I.”

“Wait, I’m CEO? Since 2017?! Shit, shit, shit, I gotta make some calls…”

“I let all 85.7 million customers from CVS cough in my face.”

“You have to be cut-fucking-throat with these chimps. If a male tries to rip off your face, you rip off theirs twice as hard.”

“What is the girlboss name for a woman doing extortion? I did that, and you can, too.”

“I earned my MBA at Wharton, then worked at McKinsey and Company for nine and a half years.”

“I just started putting ‘CEO’ on my business cards until it stuck.”

“Well, drinking as much oil as I do, I was far and away their best customer. I’d drink gallons and gallons of the black stuff, and eventually they took notice.”

“Women have such power when we collaborate. That’s why I’ve never missed an opportunity to blow another woman up.”

“I spent 15 grueling years working as a pickup truck in Detroit.”

You know Flo? I shot her in the face, tore her eyeballs out, and then bathed in her blood. And look where it got me!

“You have to work hard. I personally spent 12 grueling months as a non-commodifiable infant.”

“Cut off all my limbs so I could fit into a cardboard box. I felt silly when I realized there were bigger cardboard boxes, but it proved something about my dedication.”

“Well, all that needed to happen was a male former CEO had to do something very, very bad, and I was hired to take the fall, basically.”

“I started grinding at an early age, working long hours when my peers were goofing around, and by the time I turned 18, I’d already made my first million pants.”

“Oh my God, are you kidding me? I had to kill so many people. Way more people than a man would’ve had to.”

“I slept with every goddamn PlayStation in the store.”

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