FERGUSON, MO—Having reportedly enlisted friends and family members to help him board up his shopfront’s windows and reinforce its doors, sources confirmed Monday that Crystal Waters Pool & Spa proprietor Larry Hardwick is greatly overestimating how much potential looters in Ferguson, MO want to get ahold of his store’s chlorine tablets. “Things could very well get out of hand here this week, and some troublemakers might try to take advantage of the situation and walk off with our stock of chlorine and bromine pool treatment chemicals,” said Hardwick, who relocated some of his most expensive merchandise from the showroom to a fortified and double-padlocked stockroom ahead of the upcoming grand jury decision in the Michael Brown case, making certain that every last pool skimmer basket and filtration pump was tightly secure within. “If this is anything like a few months back, it’s going to get real crazy out there, and a small-business owner can never be too careful. Even the most basic easy-installation stepladder for in-ground pools can run up to $129.99, so we’ve got to take every precaution to safeguard our pool and spa accessories should all hell break loose.” At press time, Hardwick had resolved to sleep inside one of Crystal Waters’ floor model three-jet hot tubs in order to protect the store through the night.
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