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Fernando Tatis Jr. Quietly Asks Doctor If There Anything He Can Take To Come Back From PED Suspension Quicker

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SAN DIEGO—Stressing that he wasn’t looking for a miracle but could use a little bit of help, San Diego Padres shortstop Fernando Tatis Jr. reportedly asked a team doctor Tuesday if there was anything he could take to come back from his performance-enhancing drug suspension quicker. “I’m not asking you to do anything unethical, obviously, but if there was something that might help me shave a couple weeks off the suspension time and get back on the field sooner, I’d really like to know,” Tatis Jr. was heard to ask a member of the Padres medical staff, adding that there must be some kind of cream or gel that could help him shorten his suspension for anabolic steroids from 80 games to just 20 or so. “Ideally, this would be something that doesn’t show up on a drug test, if you know what I mean. I’ve just heard from some other guys that there might be something I could take to reduce the suspension time. All I want is to help the team, and it would be really great if I could be out there by Opening Day next year. So just let me know if you’ve got anything that will work.” At press time, Tatis Jr. tested positive for a banned substance that causes holes in the space-time continuum that he claimed he had unknowingly ingested in an effort to treat acne.