KEARNEY, NE—Explaining he felt “all cooped up in that place” and needed to clear his head, a local fetus reportedly stepped outside the womb Friday for a quick cigarette break. “It’s nice to take a break from the nonstop gestation and just relax a little, but you’re not allowed to smoke in there,” said the unborn human offspring, currently the size of a bell pepper, who bummed a light from the ultrasound technician and proceeded to take long drags from a Marlboro. “I know this is bad for my development, but how else am I supposed to get through another 20 weeks in a cramped uterus? It’s been a tough trimester, and I needed to stretch these itty-bitty fingers and teeny-weeny toes. Mom’s always telling me I gotta stop. I figure I’ll quit when I’m born.” At press time, sources reported the fetus was tugging on the umbilical cord to give himself some more slack after being informed the law required him to stay at least 15 feet away from the womb.
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