Insomnia—the chronic inability to fall and remain asleep—affects roughly 20 percent of American adults. Here are some tips to get a better night's sleep:
- Although it's tempting to use liquor as a cure for chronic sleeplessness, be warned: Liquor is quite expensive.
- Getting more exercise can help combat insomnia. If you suffer from sleeplessness, try shuffling from the bed to the kitchen, opening and shutting the refrigerator door, and shuffling back to bed.
- According to researchers at the National Sleep Foundation, there is an actual National Sleep Foundation. Yes, for real.
- If you are going to take pills to help you sleep, be sure you take enough to knock yourself out. Watching Good Morning America while sleep-deprived and tranquilized is a hellish experience.
- Use your bed for sleeping only. Conduct all reading, eating, phone calls, and sexual relations on the kitchen table.
- Try counting sheep, rather than the number of times you've failed as a wife and mother.
- If you got less than three hours of sleep the previous night, it's important to inform everyone you meet of that fact all day long.
- If you're having night after night of hours-long jungle sex when all you really want is a decent night's rest, go cry on someone else's shoulder.
- Minimize noise, light, excessive temperature—all factors that could potentially disrupt rest—by sleeping indoors.
- Sleeping pills can and do become addictive. Before you know it, you'll be giving back-alley blow jobs for hits of Ambien.
- Remember: Insomnia is only a problem if you are employed or have a reason to live.