AVON, CT—Making the proclamation with “99% certainty,” finance whiz Seth McTurner predicted Tuesday that the Dow would open at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow. “I’m calling it now: The Dow will open tomorrow morning at half past nine,” said McTurner, whose words were heeded by thousands of investors across the country who regularly relied on the acclaimed stock market guru for advice. “Based on my findings that the Dow has opened at 9:30 a.m. on the past four successive days, I can only believe it will remain stable. Note that that’s Eastern time, so any investors on the West Coast should exercise extreme caution. Mark my words, a bell will ring, and trading will begin.” At press time, several hedge funds had gone bankrupt after incorrectly betting the Dow would open at 11:00 p.m.