NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now, the real test will be in the future when civilization as we know it collapses and the only currency will be strength, dominance, and a thirst for blood,” said a spokeswoman from Northwestern Mutual, Patricia Larson, adding that when man returns to his primal nature and we finally meet the end of days, a diversified portfolio of knives, guns, and baseball bats covered in metal spikes will be far more useful than any financial investment. “Sure, right now, you might want to go all in while the Dow is up, but what happens when the warlords ride in on their horses and behead your precious king? That’s right. All your money will be tied up in the market, so you won’t be able to pay your tithe in bones and jewels.” Larson also recommended that those with children should plan on putting aside some money every month just so that when the hunger pains come, you don’t end up selling them into slavery for a single loaf of bread.
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