Finest Feline Reporting: The Onion’s Most Consequential Cat Journalism

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War On String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General

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Indoor Cat Wouldn’t Last A Day In The High-Octane World Of Street Racing

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Cat Horrified By Brief Glimpse Of Man’s Unbarbed Penis

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8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats

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No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life

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‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat

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Cat Taking Death Of Other Cat With Heroic Aplomb

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Man Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middle School

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Cat Too Evil To Pet, Too Soft Not To

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Cat Sticks Paw Around Corner Like Life Some Big Fosse Routine

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Wriggling Cat To Be Held Until It Accepts Its Fate

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Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It

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Report: Cat Can Tell You’ve Been Drinking Again

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Internet Cat Has Girth That One Might Say Is Unusual Among His Species

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Cat Dead Set On Finding Way Into Mirror

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Neighbor Oblivious To Fact She Being Groomed For Cat-Sitting

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Family Members Locked In Heated Bidding War To Convince Cat To Sleep In Their Bed

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Study Finds Cats Only Meow When They Want To Alert Owner Of Neighbor’s Murder They Witnessed Through Window

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Rain-Drenched Cat Announces It Ready To Stay Inside And Be Part Of Family

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Depressed Cat Just Going Through Motions Of Destroying Couch

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Study: 90% Of All Meowing Comes From Owners Trying To Get Cats To Meow Back

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Cat Who Seems A Little Grumpy Today Dying Of Esophageal Cancer

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Cat Placed On 5 Minutes’ Half-Assed Observation After Possibly Ingesting Plastic Thing

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Cat Internally Debates Whether Or Not To Rip Head Off Smaller Creature It Just Met

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Cat Totally Unaware Its Owner Aaron Eckhart

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It Impossible To Tell What Sounds Will Freak Out Cat

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Frustrated Man Doesn’t Know What Else He Can Do To Get Cat Purring

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Cat That Spends Life On One Of Two Couch Cushions Given Rabies Vaccine

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House Cat Announces Plans To Just Sit There For 46 Minutes

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Owning A Cat Is A Great Way To Meet Women Who Magically Appear In Your Living Room

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Creature That Craps In Box Too Fancy For Dry Food

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Middle-Aged Cat Can’t Begin To Compete With Adorable Kittens On Internet

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Dignified Cat Dressed In Adorable, Painful Sweater

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Cat Looking Out Window, Bird Form Unbelievably Intense Fifth-Of-A-Second Bond

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Man Stays Up Most Of Night Rocking Cat Back To Sleep

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Humane Society Volunteer Spends Whole Adoption Meeting Trying To Sell Family On Sicker Cat

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Blender Left On To Keep Cat Company

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Sure, Area Man Can Watch Your Cat While His Life Is Falling Apart

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Inspiring Cat Overcomes Prejudice To Win Westminster Dog Show

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Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam

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Pet Owner Not Bothering To Neuter Loser Cat

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