Independence Day is quickly approaching, which means many friends and families are purchasing fireworks to set off in celebration. Here are some tips for preventing painful fireworks-related injuries:
- Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.
- Be sure to set off at least one firework as a tribute to Vulcan, ancient Roman god of fire, or face his wrath.
- If a firework fails to ignite, there may be something wrong with it. To figure out the problem, examine the firework up close and watch carefully while you try reigniting it.
- Anyone about to set off a “black snake” should prepare for a major disappointment.
- Remember that fireworks can’t hurt you when you’re drunk. Nothing can.
- The most effective treatment for burns is to go around showing people the burn and saying, “Look, I burned myself. Fuckin’ hurts.”
- Glow sticks are great alternatives to sparklers for children whose parents are no fucking fun.
- It’s safest to be as far as possible from the site of ignition. Instead of lighting the firework directly, set it off via a trail of gunpowder that’s at least 500 feet long.
- When buying fireworks, remember: The bigger the firework, the higher it will fly, and the less likely it will be to hurt you.
- Children should only use fireworks under the strict supervision of an adult or a slightly older cousin.
- Do not invite stupid people to your fireworks display.