Illustration for article titled First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about operating clandestine child-molestation rings. “I would have loved to attend some roundtables on globalization or the future of trade, but it’s like 90% panels on running underage prostitutes,” said Issacson, adding that the first workshop he attended was led by a former FBI official who detailed ways in which illicit underground organizations can sell children into sexual slavery without alerting the authorities. “My entire day is filled with seminars on how to set up a shell corporation to launder money from the sex trade or how to reduce your carbon footprint when chartering a jet full of 12-year-old girls. I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies, but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week, I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you to drink the blood of children during satanic rituals.” At press time, Issacson was reportedly sprinting back and forth between panels on “Pedophilia In The Global Economy” and “Human Trafficking In The #MeToo Era.”

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