WASHINGTON—In response to decades of hostility coming to a close, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Thursday that the Great Trout War had finally ended. “After 12 years of conflict, trout leaders have signed an accord at the Lake Superior Summit putting an end to the war that has taken countless trout lives,” said Fish and Wildlife Service director Martha Williams, explaining that the U.S. would now be pulling troops out of their bases in the Cuyahoga and Rio Grande rivers. “After decades of bloody infighting, peace, as fragile as it may be, has been forged between the trout dynasties. The Brown Trout Triumvirate has complied with the Rainbow Trout Federation’s demands, while the extremist Cutthroat Trout Syndicate has surrendered. They almost fought themselves to extinction, and as there are no real winners in a conflict so destructive, we are just happy that we were able to install democracy into our nation’s rivers and streams.” At press time the U.S. was criticized for only being involved in the Great Trout War to push imperialist interests.
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