RICHMOND, VA—Expressing regret over stuffing itself so early in the meal, a local flesh-eating bacterium was reportedly wishing Monday that it hadn’t filled up so much on foot. “Oh, god, I just started pigging out on that delicious heel wound, and I guess I didn’t realize how much necrotic tissue I was scarfing down,” said the microorganism Pseudomonas, lamenting that it was way too full to even enjoy the pair of mouthwatering calves. “This always happens. I just go to town on one appendage and leave no room to finish the rest of the body. I really need to learn better impulse control.” At press time, the bacterium was comforted by the fact that it could save some of that tasty bicep for later.

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