While many Americans were horrified by the FAA’s decision to drop mask mandates, an equal number were overjoyed. The Onion asked several flight crew members how they felt about the change, and this is what they said.
Advertisement
“Thank God. It’s so nice to finally breathe fresh, heavily recirculated, droplet-filled air again.”
Advertisement
“I’m just happy I’ll be able to pinpoint where the harassment is coming from again.”
Advertisement
“Frontier charges $35 extra to hear my opinion.”
Advertisement
“I’m not sure how I feel about it. I value safety, but I also want to properly emote during the safety presentation.”
Advertisement
“I’m not sweating it too much, mostly because I’m planning to fly my plane into the side of a mountain next week.”
Advertisement
“Every time humanity takes to the skies in one of these giant steel birds, it’s a roll of the dice, so what’s a little additional danger?”
Advertisement
“Now you can feel even closer to the horrible stranger sharing your armrest!”
Advertisement
“It’s much too abrupt. Just last week, people had to wear masks during every second of a flight unless they were eating, drinking, itching their face, enunciating, applying chapstick, getting their ID checked, blowing their nose, or just didn’t want to.”
Advertisement
“We’re still planning to cancel all of our flights through 2025, so I don’t really see how this impacts me.”
Advertisement
“Good, makes it easier for me to racially profile someone.”
Advertisement
“How about no mandates at all? No seat belts, no exit row compliance, no nothing, just everyone running around, doing what they want, sucking and fucking and murdering whoever for any reason or no reason.”
Advertisement
“I’ve always wondered whether or not airline passengers have mouths.”
Advertisement
“Good! There shouldn’t be any rules in an airplane, anyway. Once you’re off the ground you’re in neutral sky territory. There’s no sky president! Tell me I’m wrong!”
Advertisement
“Luckily passengers will still leave behind a ton of other trash for me to pick up.”
Advertisement
“Even without this mandate, out number-one priority is delivering the most torturous and chaotic customer experience possible.”
Advertisement
“Let me know when they stop requiring Kevin Hart movies on planes.”
Advertisement
“I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed seeing the look on someone’s face after being delayed, rerouted, and forced to sit on the tarmac for three hours.”
Advertisement
“I’ve been hiring vaguely similar-looking men to cover for me when I don’t feel like flying, so I guess I’m fucked now.”
Advertisement
“Thank goodness we’re back to the good old days of tossing pretzels into sleeping passengers’ open mouths.”
Advertisement
“What a relief! We came this close to having our first jet airliner crash due to a pilot having foggy glasses.”
Advertisement
“We have always secretly been a flying research center on infectious diseases, so I expect little to change.”
Advertisement
“Not a huge deal since I know pretty much everyone will keep wearing them as a courtesy to fellow passengers who might be immunocompromised.”
Advertisement
“The cockpit door stays locked, so you animals do whatever the hell you want.”
Advertisement
“Let’s party, motherfuckers! Who wants champagne?!”
Advertisement