TALLAHASSEE, FL—Claiming that the public education system indoctrinated students with liberal rhetoric, Florida lawmakers passed a new bill Tuesday that banned schools from teaching students anything besides the misadventures of the two best friends George Washington and Jesus Christ. “In classrooms across our state, young people have been brainwashed with progressive ideologies, so I am proud to sign this legislation that requires all lessons at every grade level to be about the wacky hijinx of America’s first president and his lifelong pal, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,” said Gov. Ron DeSantis, detailing how subjects such as biology, history, music, art, algebra, and chemistry must now either be stricken from the curriculum or re-tooled to focus on the story of how the Messiah and the Revolutionary War general first teamed up as young boys to found the United States. “We must eradicate liberal myths so we can teach children the real history of our nation, like how Jesus fed loaves and fishes to all of Washington’s troops at Valley Forge so they could defeat the British army. Understanding this friendship is fundamental to understanding America, but thanks to the left’s propaganda, most students these days can’t even tell you that President Washington and Jesus were born on the same night in the manger on Plymouth Rock. With this law, our kids can finally learn how Washington and Christ rode around on dinosaurs with their talking bald eagle sidekick, Jerome.” At press time, Florida had reportedly shifted course, banning all books about Jesus and Washington after it was discovered the men were of different races and must therefore have violated segregation laws.
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