The Florida Department of Education made headlines recently when it rejected a number of math textbooks amid rising concerns about school curriculums indoctrinating children with values some parents oppose. The Onion provides a rundown of all the changes Florida schools are making to textbooks and school curriculums.
- Geometry textbooks prohibited from depicting spheres, cylinders, and other shapes with provocative curves.
- Uterus diagrams in anatomy textbooks must be replaced with the Ford logo.
- All works of Shakespeare translated into English.
- Geography textbooks may not contain maps of highways that exit Florida.
- Negative depictions of methamphetamine use removed from health classes after outcry from state’s crystal meth industry.
- Any math problems with someone named DeShawn or Tyrell having 5 apples must specify that he shoplifted them.
- Teachers can be fired for negative portrayals of Dale Earnhardt Jr.
- Kindergarten art classes banned from encouraging students to mix colors.
- Informal conjugations deleted from French and Spanish textbooks so students learn to show some damn respect.
- Slavery section of history textbooks cut out and replaced with a real handgun.
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