Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her

Illustration for article titled Flustered Donald Trump Confesses He Only Murdered Mistress Because He Loved Her

PALM BEACH, FL—Breaking down under pressure while watching the Senate trial on television, a flustered Donald Trump reportedly confessed Wednesday that he only murdered his mistress because he loved her. “Alright, alright, I did it—but only because I was scared she was going to leave me,” said Trump, who delivered the confession completely unprompted before a team of startled aides during a meeting at his Mar-a-Lago estate. “I panicked, okay? I loved her so much, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I just knew we would never be happy apart. One moment I had my hands around her neck, and the next Suzette was dead in my arms. I barely remember what happened. It was like a switch flipped and I blacked out. I spent an hour holding her lifeless body and caressing her hair. Is it a crime to be in love? To love too much!?” At press time, the former president was on his knees screaming that Suzette wouldn’t want him to be locked away.

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