Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results

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ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western coast of Australia—repeat, that’s our final call on whether the flight ended up off the coast of Australia, although we can’t yet make any final determination about whether the plane is somewhere else in the Indian Ocean. In the meantime, we’ll go to Anderson Cooper to see if there are any new developments since air traffic controllers lost contact,” stammered Blitzer, as a sweating, visibly nervous CNN analyst John King moved from the network’s Magic Wall showing most states grayed out to a map of Southeast Asia where he marked areas that represented the flight’s trajectory and the last time it had been heard from in March 2014. “Right, so, while the search has covered around 50,000 square miles, it has so far failed to turn up more than parts of a plane’s right wing and right stabilizer that could have been part of the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft, and there’s been a whole host of controversy surrounding the Malaysian government’s response to the plane’s disappearance. While we’re, um, waiting to confirm anything on the West Coast or even get some reliable exit polling out of Michigan or Pennsylvania that might tell us which way the election is going, we’ll be hearing from an official from the International Civil Aviation Association about the likelihood a plane could go missing, and what kinds of changes have been made in aviation safety over the past six years. But first, we’re going to hear from our correspondents Arlette Saenz and Jeff Zeleny, who are waiting for any statements from the Joe Biden campaign, but in the meantime are going to reopen the case of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, and explore several key developments that have happened over the past 15 years, and then, uh, depending on what’s happening in Texas, maybe Dana Bash can talk about the Carnival cruise ship from 2013 where many passengers got sick before a power outage turned the boat into a feces-covered nightmare.” The agitated Blitzer added that the network could not confirm how the Malaysia Airlines flight’s 239 passengers and crew members would have voted in the 2020 election.

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