CHICAGO—Rushing to assist the fatigued, out-of-breath man as he triumphantly threw his arms up and fell to the ground, multiple onlookers draped a foil blanket over their coworker Wednesday after he successfully took the stairs. “Hey, man, you did it, you actually did it, you made it all the way up the stairs, and you never gave up,” said coworker Angel Alvarez, who, after high-fiving his sweaty, red-faced office mate and handing him a cup of water, immediately helped him up off his knees to take some hard-earned stairwell victory photos. “Oh my God, that was amazing, I honestly can’t believe it. I knew he’d been training, but I had no idea he could actually stay on his feet for that long. And wow, that’s an awesome time. Six minutes and 20 seconds!” At press time, reports confirmed Alvarez had called for a medic after his coworker suddenly began bleeding from his nipples and defecating uncontrollably.