DALLAS, TX—Hoping to eventually escape the dreary and mundane utility space, a local folding chair in the basement of Antioch Church reportedly fantasized Tuesday about getting smashed over a professional wrestler’s back. “Someday I’ll get out of this damn basement and finally make the big time, being swung at an unsuspecting wrestler or referee as the packed arena cheers,” said the wistful steel chair, bemoaning how it had wasted its prime years supporting the asses of teenagers, AA attendees, and elderly bingo players when it should have been inflicting pain on an ornery heel. “There’s got to be more to life than youth group bible study sessions and Knights of Columbus meetings such as absolutely pummeling a WWE superstar to change the outcome of a title match. I never get to knock out anyone down here. I’m gonna make it to WrestleMania if it’s the last thing I do, just you wait.” At press time, the folding chair was well on its way to achieving its goal after getting sold at a church fundraiser.
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