Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius

Illustration for article titled Ford CEO Launches Electric Vehicle Push By Having Buddy Stand Watch While He Steals Battery From Parked Prius

DEARBORN, MI—Saying the time was now to take decisive action on climate change, Ford CEO Jim Farley launched the company’s electric vehicle push Monday by having his buddy stand watch while he stole a battery from a parked Toyota Prius. “Bold plans like this will help ensure that Ford stays at the forefront of climate innovation and delivers on its goal of an electrified fleet by 2035—hey, Rickie, are you keeping an eye out for the cops? Don’t let me catch you playing that electric poker bullshit again,” said the automotive CEO, tinkering under the hood of the 2017 Prius before muttering under his breath that “this goddamn thing is scalding hot” after his knuckle glanced the radiator. “The science is clear: The future of the industry is in renewables. In fact, this battery alone can carry a passenger for up to 100 miles on one charge and goes for about five grand on Craigslist. All right, I seriously just heard sirens. Go! Fucking go!” At press time, Ford had walked back its climate plans indefinitely after the Prius’s owner appeared out of a nearby apartment building with a baseball bat, sending Farley and his friend scattering down the block.