A former employee claimed that the network discriminated against her because of her gender while she worked at Tucker Carlson Tonight. The Onion asked Fox News anchors to respond to allegations about the workplace’s toxic culture, and this is what they said.
“Sure, we might play a little rough around here, but that’s how you know we all vehemently hate each other.”
“I agree that it’s incredibly toxic how upset people get when I hurl racial epithets at them.”
“I’m going to address this as I always do: by saying the M&Ms should definitely be sexier.”
“Anyone who complains about the environment at Fox News is just a disgruntled former employee who’s mad I slapped them.”
“No one I’ve worked with has ever had a bad experience working at Fox News. But then again, I’ve never been able to finish a conversation with a coworker without them leaving the room.”
[Wordlessly pulls out his penis]
“Suffering makes Ainsley grow stronger.”
“I can’t talk right now. They’re listening...FUCK YOU, YOU COMMIE LIBERAL TERRORIST!... Meet me outside after work, and I’ll explain everything...AND STAY OUT!”
“I’m a little teapot short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout.”
“It’s not toxic, it’s paying your dues. When you work at a place like this, you have to lie down and let all the anchors eat sushi off your naked body.”
“I asked for a raise and was given a harem of 15 female interns whose bras were stuffed with cash.”
“So I have a PA pull my pants up for me after I go to the toilet—so what? Gotta learn the biz somehow.”
“You’re right. It is. No one will call me ‘Bongo Boy’ like I asked.”
“I’m hoping that if I sexually harass people enough, an Antifa will show up and I can slap them.”
“Creating a toxic environment is half the fun of having a job.”
“I own a yacht. Who cares!”
“If I didn’t live my life harassing women and minorities, how could I expect my fans to do the same?”
“They don’t call me ‘Registered Sex Offender Trey’ for nothin’!”