EARTH—In the latest sign of the new social media platform’s surging popularity, the governments of France, India, and Brazil, as well as dozens of others, have reportedly fallen as riots supporting Onion Social increase globally. “A charred and barren wasteland is all that awaits tyrants who would try to stand in the way of Onion Social,” said the leader of the demonstrations in Europe, who asked to be identified by his username, SpringsteenFan77, hoisting the severed head of Angela Merkel in the air above him as he led a mob of torch-wielding Onion Social users towards the doors of British Parliament. “The reign of the oppressor is over. The reign of Onion Social is nigh. They have committed the ultimate sin by trying to stop us from freely posting and engaging with our friends online, and for that, these foul, corrupt pigs must face the slaughter. We’re with [Onion Social founder] Jeremy [Rosenbaum]! We’re with Jeremy!” At press time, excitement about the social media company had reportedly reached even greater heights as a splinter group of Onion Social users seized control of Russia’s nuclear arsenal.

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