Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

Illustration for article titled Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really excited about getting out of my parents’ house and finally having a little independence,” said the 18-year-old, who in all likelihood would have shotgunned five beers, toppled out the window, suffered numerous critical head injuries, and sparked a weeklong conversation about the dangers of binge-drinking that would temporarily serve as a cautionary tale for his peers. “I’m bummed I won’t get to meet and make friends with my classmates [who would have witnessed him plummeting to the ground and then abandoned his unresponsive form in their dorm’s courtyard, fearing reprisal if they reported the incident to campus police]. It really sucks that I won’t be able to make those freshman-year memories [of slowly regaining consciousness in a hospital just 48 hours after his arrival at school and being forced to spend the next nine months learning to talk again].” At press time, reports confirmed Ryan had approximated campus life by drunkenly passing out on the front lawn of his parents’ house.

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