SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really excited about getting out of my parents’ house and finally having a little independence,” said the 18-year-old, who in all likelihood would have shotgunned five beers, toppled out the window, suffered numerous critical head injuries, and sparked a weeklong conversation about the dangers of binge-drinking that would temporarily serve as a cautionary tale for his peers. “I’m bummed I won’t get to meet and make friends with my classmates [who would have witnessed him plummeting to the ground and then abandoned his unresponsive form in their dorm’s courtyard, fearing reprisal if they reported the incident to campus police]. It really sucks that I won’t be able to make those freshman-year memories [of slowly regaining consciousness in a hospital just 48 hours after his arrival at school and being forced to spend the next nine months learning to talk again].” At press time, reports confirmed Ryan had approximated campus life by drunkenly passing out on the front lawn of his parents’ house.