FAIRFIELD, OH—Saying there was no way they could have anticipated the outlandish, inane, and unsettling ramblings that were unleashed upon them, friends of local man Ryan Berliner told reporters Tuesday they sincerely regretted asking the 29-year-old to open up and speak his mind. “Ryan’s always kind of kept to himself, so we wanted to encourage him to come out of his shell and tell us what he was really feeling, but boy, was that ever a bad move,” said visibly shaken friend Jesse Plunkett, stating that the sheer idiocy and at times disturbing overtones of Berliner’s most deeply held beliefs on everything from politics, to relationships, to popular culture, to how he likes to spend his free time made continuing the conversation—not to mention the friendship itself—an almost impossible burden. “I want to be there for him and all, but how am I supposed to look this…this freak in the eye and pretend that everything’s normal? No one should ever have to hear what’s going on inside his deranged head.” When reached for comment, Berliner said he was blessed to have such an understanding, trustworthy group of friends and vowed never to keep anything from them again.

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