Frontier Airlines Reduces Fleet To One Large Agent Lifting And Jiggling Passengers While Making Motor Sounds

Illustration for article titled Frontier Airlines Reduces Fleet To One Large Agent Lifting And Jiggling Passengers While Making Motor Sounds

DENVER—Noting a need for major cutbacks, low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly reduced their fleet of aircrafts Friday to one large agent capable of lifting and jiggling passengers while making motor sounds. “With a huge decline in airline travel over the past year, Frontier has made the very reasonable decision to eliminate the monumental costs of carrier upkeep by cutting our fleet down to just Calvin here, who will pick you up and give you a jiggle while approximating the hum of the jet engines into your ear,” said Frontier spokesperson Melinda Garvey, gesturing toward a 6-foot-5 agent who crosschecked a passenger’s ticket against his flight log before announcing takeoff and hoisting her into the air with a roaring “eeennnnnoooooooooooow.” “Our loyal customers are invited to sit back and enjoy the same great flying experience they’re accustomed to at Frontier Airlines as Calvin safely ushers you through realistic turbulence to your destination several feet away. Check your bag at the gate or pay an extra $35 to hold it for the duration of your 5-minute ride. Platinum myFrontier Discount Den members will have access to in-flight snacks stowed in Calvin’s front pocket, as well as complimentary beverage service wherein Calvin will carry you over to the airport water fountain of your choice.” At press time, Frontier announced they’d be indefinitely grounding Calvin following a deadly collision with a wayward luggage cart.