DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like I’ve really evolved a lot, but no matter what I do, it’s still not enough for her,” said the SARS-CoV-2 specimen, claiming that it should have made its move on the 86-year-old last summer when it had the chance. “She’s got everything: She’s elderly, she’s immunocompromised—she’s perfect. But each time I get close to her, she starts putting up all these antibodies. Why won’t she let me in? What do I have to do to get through to her? I worry the only way we’re ever going to be together is if I completely reconfigure my spike proteins and change myself into something I don’t even recognize anymore.” At press time, the coronavirus confided to sources that it hoped Milfay knew it was done fooling around with bats.