THE HEAVENS—Sighing with despair as He read through His fourth rejection letter from the high-IQ society, God, the Divine Creator of the Universe, reportedly became frustrated Wednesday after once again failing to receive a test score high enough to qualify for membership in Mensa. “Man, I really thought I was gonna make it in this time, but maybe I just don’t have what it takes,” said He Who Commanded the Light to Shine from the Darkness, adding that He knew His math wasn’t the best, but that He always thought if He took the IQ assessment enough times, He would eventually receive the score of 132 necessary for admittance to Mensa. “Actually, you know what? Fuck them. I thought Mensa might be a nice group of people to hang around with, but if this is the way they’re going to be, then forget it. I don’t want to be friends with a bunch of smug assholes. And if they like ridiculously strict admission requirements, well, I’ve got one of my own for them: Nobody in Mensa gets into heaven. How do you like that, you elitist pricks?” According to heavenly sources, God’s disappointment was assuaged somewhat when He reminded Himself that He already belonged to some perfectly good civic organizations and that next Thursday Mitch Albom would be speaking at Rotary Club.