THE HEAVENS—Returning home to the heavenly realm once again in a foul mood, Jesus Christ, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, reportedly expressed frustration Monday with being forced to find a 22nd vessel for reincarnation after the death of Charles Manson. “Well, that was just a total waste of my time,” said Christ, referring to the 83 years spent on Earth as the cult leader and convicted murderer who he had intended on using to bring about Judgment Day after already experiencing a series of failed second comings that included Benito Mussolini, Vlad the Impaler, and Reverend Cotton Mather. “I had really high hopes for finally doing the end-of-days thing with this one, and instead I get locked up for almost half a century. Maybe I was trying a little too hard with all the Helter Skelter apocalyptic race war shit. I’m definitely going to have to be a little pickier next time. I was supposed to bring about the end of the world like, 800 years ago, and now this is just getting really embarrassing.” At press time, Christ was reportedly not taking any chances by making sure he was born directly into a rich political family.

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