HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s gotta do to sign up as a person who’s committed sex crimes,” said Engers, adding that he was fully qualified to receive a designation of level-2 sex offender and had the criminal record of lewd and lascivious conduct to prove it, so he didn’t know why it was taking so long. “There must be a ton of guys ahead of me trying to register, or maybe they just really limit the number of people they give a spot to. I thought masturbating on a park bench in front of a class of first-graders would have pushed me to the front of the line, but I guess not.” At press time, Engers was reportedly going door to door and explaining to his neighbors that while he was not currently a registered sex offender, he hoped to be one very soon.
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