KUTZTOWN, PA—Expressing their confusion and anger over today’s ever-changing social mores, the nation’s self-described “frustrated ordinary men” demanded Tuesday that someone tell them exactly which area on a woman’s breasts it was still acceptable to just walk up and touch. “We can’t keep track of every time some damn woman changes her mind, so let’s just get this straight once and for all: Ladies, exactly where on your tits is it cool for me touch without filling out, like, three forms and getting written permission approved by a notary public?” a press release from “America’s average guys” read in part, also claiming that increased awareness of sexual harassment was “political correctness out of control” and “that crazy Denise changes the rules all the time.” One group member, speaking on conditions of anonymity “because, like the feminists need any more ammunition, know what I mean?” called for a clear delineation of boundaries, saying, “If I’m out to eat, I can’t say anything about the waitresses’ boobs anymore. And this is at my favorite restaurant! I barely even feel safe grazing up against them, and God forbid I try and get a handful. This used to be a great country.” At press time, the nation’s “salt-of-the-earth everyday men” had resigned to “play it safe” and “stick to slapping asses, for now.”

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