Illustration for article titled Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement

LONG ISLAND, NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation, fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced. “Cristina, are you out there, hon’? I think the lock down here might have gotten stuck?” said the visibly anxious Prime Time host, furiously banging on the deadbolted basement door leading to the main house and stressing that he was sure he could hear his wife and children milling around outside, but seemed to be intentionally ignoring his increasingly desperate calls for help. “There’s no toilet down here, sweetheart, and I’m running out of food. And you took my phone the other day. Also, I tried to climb out the window, but that seems to be sealed, too. Huh. Come to think of it, why do I hear a man’s voice out there? Is that Andrew? Honey, what the hell is Andrew doing over here? Open up, goddamnit!” At press time, the increasingly frantic broadcaster had begun searching for a way out through an air shaft after hearing the distinct sound of bricks being laid down outside the basement’s exit.

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