Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master

Illustration for article titled Gabe Newell Reveals To ‘Half-Life’ Fans That They Are In Hell And He Is Their Devilish Master

When we first heard Valve CEO Gabe Newell had an announcement about the Half-Life series planned for this week, we (and presumably every gamer with a pulse) were excited to finally see a continuation of this legendary series. So, it’s a huge disappointment to report that instead of sharing a release date for the conclusion to one of the greatest video game franchises of all time, Newell revealed that Half-Life fans were actually just occupants of an eternal hellscape of his own fiendish design and that he was the ultimate inquisitor of their damned souls.


Bad news, Half-Life fans—looks like we might be in a bit of trouble!

“Today, I’m announcing that I originally devised the Half-Life series as an unceasing punishment for gaming fans, and that I am the ringmaster in their ongoing circus of suffering, disappointment, and insanity,” said Newell, noting that the maddening question of “why” he was doing this to them, rather than simply concluding the saga of Gordon Freeman, was irrelevant and only made the endless cycle of pain they experienced all the more delicious. “These foul machinations of mine began when I tempted you in 1998 with the revolutionary storytelling of Half-Life, and from thence the contract was sealed. Those who played Half-Life: Episode 2 have felt the continual spiral of desire, rejection, and confusion through the past twelve years, but that was just a prelude for the horror that is to come.”

“Know only that your torture begins and ends with me, and will continue through the rest of time,” the iconic developer added, noting that even now he held us in his sadistic thrall.

Talk about a letdown! So, not only are we not going to learn the ultimate fate of Gordon Freeman and Alyx anytime soon, but we’re also mere pawns in the hands of a malevolent master bent on our agony and persecution? Bummer!

Newell went on to announce that Valve planned a March 2020 release for Half-Life: Alyx, a Steam VR-only prequel game that he described as “but a single drop of water to keep you alive and begging in the parched infernal desert that is now your life.” He also assured puzzled fans that while he had an ending in mind for the Half-Life series, it would always recede farther and farther into the labyrinth of unerring torment he had carved into their minds, tempting them into ever-darker territories beyond the known realms of sanity and man.

With all of that said, we at OGN are definitely interested to see how this all shakes out, so stay tuned!