Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born

Illustration for article titled Gamers Behold: The One The Texts Predicted, Who Will Unite The Gamer Tribes And Crush Our Enemies Underfoot, Has Been Born

Behold, gamers, for we have some glorious news for you! Cast your eyes upon the resplendent image of your new Lord and rejoice, for the One that the sacred texts predicted—the One who will bring together all of the warring gamer tribes and lead us to victory—has been born.


Yea, gamers, He who will deliver unto us the Kingdom has finally arrived!

For too long, we gamers have been spat upon by the powerful who shuns us for our hygiene and fandoms. Bitterly divided and downcast, we have been driven apart by infighting that separated us into the PlayStation fanboys and Xbox diehards, the strategy gamers and hardcore shooter fans. But now, in the small rural Indiana town of Batesville, our savior has been born. All enemies will tremble before us. All hail our newborn king Nathan Feldman!

Since the time of our ancestors—those elders who played Defender and Space Invaders—we have been cast out to the edge of civilization, forced to wander the digital wilderness as pariahs, a people without a home. We were not welcome among the halls of power, deemed unfit for breeding except with each other. Under hissed breath, non-gamers called on us to grow up, to get a life, and to take a shower. We were mere slaves, forced first to scrounge for quarters, then to beg for broadband internet access. No more!

Those that mocked us shall know no mercy.

Generations ago, whispers heralding the coming of a gaming messiah were heard across arcades and internet cafés. Casuals told us we were foolish to believe in such prophecies, that nothing could ever mend the deep rifts between console gamers and PC fans. Yet, we maintained faith that just such a savior would arrive to usher in an age where all subscriptions will be free and the land would know no loot boxes. That time is now! Gamers, cast aside your fractured messages boards and Reddit threads and join together as one to praise Nathan!

For decades upon decades, our online clans have been at each other’s throats, but soon, they will realize that we are all of one body. One does not say to one’s nose or hand, “I have no need of thee.” So, it is that each and every gamer will learn that they hold a sacred role in our community, whether a Halo fan or a Call of Duty devotee. Already pilgrims are coming to understand this profound truth. They pay homage at Nathan’s foot, delivering offers of GeForce GTX TITANs and Ultra Red Monster energy drink to his cradle. They come from every corner of the globe to make obeisance in his name, knowing that soon his word shall be law across the lands.

Rejoice, gamers! For our Savior has come!