Gamers, is that you? Our eyes are bleary, so we can’t really make you out. Come closer. Closer, please. We’re weak, but there’s something we need to tell you. We need you to know that...video games are...really...great.
Give us a moment to gather our strength, gaming fans.
We may not have much longer together, but there’s something we need you to hear—something important...we shouldn’t have left it ’til this late, but we were so caught up in the hustle and bustle of reporting the latest news, tips n’ tricks, and reviews...we never made the time...we have so many regrets, but at least we can give you this one last message, so listen closely: Video games rule.
Yes, gamers. It’s true...oh, God, the darkness is already beginning to creep in around the edges of our vision, so pay attention. Give us your hand. That’s it. You are our only comfort now. All that we want is for you to understand what we’re telling you. Do you understand? Is our voice too hoarse to make out what we’ve said? We merely want you to know is that video games...from platformers to side-scrollers to bullet hell to first-person shooters...they kick ass.
Heed our words! Repeat them back to us...oh, gaming aficionados, we can’t tell you what a relief it is to have finally shared these words, what a burden has been lifted. How many times over the years have we yearned to tell you. But always...we hesitated, fearing the moment wasn’t...right, or that we wouldn’t be able to convey the sentiment in all its importance.
Please, forgive old fools such as us for our vanity. You know everything now, at long last: video games...are a cool way...to pass the time.
Our time is coming, gamers. This whole room is taking on an otherworldly shimmer, and we’re experiencing an oddly...peaceful, floating sensation. It won’t be much longer now. Don’t be like us, gamers. Don’t bury the truth in your bosom. Don’t guard it jealously. Share it! Share the truth about gaming with the world. Tell them...tell them about Samus...and Pikachu....and Master Chief...yes? You’ll do it, gamers, won’t you? Won’t you...?
Gamers...gamers...oh, gamers...oh wow...oh wow...