Hey, gamers, we know you’re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews, but right now, we’re kind of in the middle of something serious: Ganondorf is on the other end of the line, and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital.
Please, just give us a second, okay? He’s crying a lot.
Look, we want to give you an update on what’s going on in the next-gen wars as soon as we humanly can, but we just can’t focus on that right now, all right? Ganondorf is in complete hysterics. He’s waiting for some kind of test and pouring his soul out about needing more time with his dad and how he shouldn’t have been away from Gerudo Valley for so long. So, we don’t know. Maybe go over to Polygon or IGN or something if you want to read about the upcoming remastered Tony Hawk because we are going to be dealing with this for a while.
Seriously, readers, just back off. A man’s father is in the emergency room right now and we’re apparently his only lifeline. There are some things more important than a hands-on impression of Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart or whatever you want from us, and this is clearly one of those things. Can you get that through your skull? Okay? Does that make sense?
Are you still bugging us? Jesus Christ, gamers. What are we supposed to do? Hang up and give you a primer featuring everything we know about Far Cry 6? That would absolutely destroy Ganondorf. Is that what you want? His dad could be dying for all we know, and you’re still looking at us to give you the hottest new rumors about some Ubisoft franchise? Listen, we like video games as much as you but have a goddamn heart. Just take a breather and reflect on how consoling someone in their darkest hour might trump a few measly details about a video game that’s almost a year away.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, we’re sorry we snapped at you, readers. This is just a very stressful moment for Gandondorf and he’s kind of unloading on us. We do have plenty of quality articles about gaming you can still enjoy while we try and figure this out. So, look, we’re going to head to the hospital and just try to help him as much as we can. In the meantime, you can check out our latest story on Paper Mario. Just, please, don’t call us. We’ll let you know when we’re free again.