Boy, have we got some good news for you, gamers. Oh yes, we do. What is it, you may be wondering? Well, get ready, because it’s going to knock your socks off: After pulling some strings, we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird!
Yep, that’s right. Thanks to our connections, the bird known as the Great Northern Diver has now been sanctioned as the avian ambassador for PC and console users alike.
You’re welcome, readers. Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you.
How did we do it, you ask? How did we manage to get the monogamous, crustacean-eating Nearctic waterfowl appointed as the official gaming bird? Well, having spent decades as the internet’s premiere website for video game journalism, we’ve made some friends in high places. Let’s just say we reached out to our people at the Audubon Society, called in a few favors from some old business associates at the World Wildlife Fund for Nature, and, well, we managed to work something out.
That’s not important, though. What is important is that the common loon, with its vibrant plumage and highly adept fishing skills, is now a certified symbol for gamers around the world, from JRPG fans to Battle Royale esports champions and everyone in between, and you have us to thank for it.
We could’ve settled for the yellow-rumped warbler or the northern cardinal, but no. We wanted only the best for you, gamers. Sure, we may have had to grease some palms and scratch some backs, but don’t go worrying your pretty little heads about all of that. We have our ins, and we’ll use them for you. We live to serve our friends, after all.
Now, every time you hear the magnificent tremolo call of the common loon or see one building a nest out of dead marsh grass, you can feel comfortable knowing that this creature, in all its glory, represents gamers like you.
Okay, look, to be totally honest, gamers, there’s a little bit more about this deal that we haven’t let you in on. Apparently, one of the loans we took out to pay off a WWF officials was linked to the Kurdish mafia. Who knew, right? Anyway, we may have pissed off some of the wrong people while working out this deal and we may need to lam it for a bit in Peru. But still, we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t worth getting in over our heads a bit in exchange for securing such a magnificent specimen as the official gaming bird.
Besides, this will all blow over soon, and once it does, we can start talking to some of our connects about making conifers the official gaming plant. Just you wait, gamers. Oh, just you wait.