MINFORD, OH—Boasting that they have cured hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, gay conversion therapists from the Redeeming Path Treatment Center told reporters Thursday that most of their patients are completely straight by the time they commit suicide. “We’ve found that a combination of group interventions, narrative therapy, and cognitive-behavioral approaches fully eliminates homosexual urges before the individual takes his or her own life,” said program director Christian Weber, adding that many of their biggest success stories are even in stable, heterosexual relationships when they’re found lifeless in their own home or dredged from a nearby body of water. “Of course, some of our patients do relapse back into the gay lifestyle, but even then our committed therapists are typically able to guide them back toward healthy, straight behavior before they end it all in their childhood bedroom or dorm. By the time they’ve swallowed an entire bottle of prescription painkillers, they’ve typically completed a remarkable transformation.” Weber, who said that he stands behind his practice not just as a doctor, but also as a parent, confirmed that his own son displayed no homosexual tendencies in the hours preceding the discovery of his body.

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