WASHINGTON—Condemning the decision as “dangerously reasonable” and “beyond level-headed,” vocal opponents of same-sex marriage strongly cautioned that this morning’s Supreme Court rulings supporting gay rights could put the United States on a one-way, slippery slope to rationality. “I don’t think people fully understand that letting homosexuals legally marry one another is just the very beginning of a dangerous road to clear logic and sound, sensible decision making,” said anti-gay protester Kevin Moore, 43, who warned that the landmark ruling will likely lead to “an unspeakable amount of enlightened discourse and thoughtful compromises across the country.” “I mean, we’re talking about granting people their basic human rights on the basis of written law and common decency here. What’s next? Using sound judgment and compassion to foster a more humane culture and system of government? This is pure lunacy.” Gay marriage opponents later stated they were at least relieved to know that states still maintained their rights to remain as irrational and misguided as they each saw fit.
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