CHICAGO—Promising it was no big deal at all, your thoughtful and generous friend Margaret Caffrey announced Tuesday she was willing to house-sit for nothing but the opportunity to go through all your stuff. “I’m more than happy to hold down the fort [and rummage around in your personal belongings] while you’re out of town,” said the considerate friend, who added that the least she could do was help a buddy out by looking after your place [totally invading your privacy], picking up your mail [checking out what you have in your nightstand drawers], and watering your plants. “It’s not as though I’d want anything [except a peek at what’s stashed in your attic] in return. We’re friends, so I’d obviously be doing it for free [rein over your place and a chance to sample the goods from your medicine cabinet]. You can count on me to take good care of everything [by putting all your clothes back exactly where you had them in the closet after I’m finished trying them on].” Caffrey continued that there was absolutely no need for you to return the favor [and discover any of the stuff she took while house-sitting for you].