Several states recently passed laws legalizing genital inspections for trans children who wish to play sports in school. The Onion asked conservatives why they support state-sanctioned genital inspections for minors, and this is what they said.
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“Do you want the stuff about integrity in athletics or my darkest, most monstrous urges?”
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“It’s great training for the sexual violations they’ll have to endure at the college level.”
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“I can’t be the only one who watches high school athletics and wonders what their dongs look like.”
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“State-sanctioned groping by gym teachers is a small price for fairness in high school lacrosse.”
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“Fewer kids will want to play sports, which is my son’s only hope of making the basketball team.”
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“The boy’s soccer net is a holy place, and I don’t want it desecrated by a ball that was secretly kicked by a filthy girl.”
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“It’s not about gender, it’s about the difference in speed due to wind drag from a labia versus a penis.”
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“Getting your genitals checked before a game was an honor before the woke mob decided to politicize it.”
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“This is the closest our school gets to allowing sex education.”
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“The kids will be traumatized sooner or later in this country, might as well make sure this 6th-grade basketball game is fair.”
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“If you can’t endure an invasive genital exam, you’re not good enough to win at state.”
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“If another child beats my daughter at soccer without being accused of having a penis and subsequently inspected in the nude by a strange adult, my daughter will feel humiliated.”
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“While the circumstances aren’t ideal, increased inspections will lead to a lot of important contracts that the community should be proud of.”
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“Competitively, if your vagina is big, you have a different set of powers than those with more of an average-size vagina.”
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“This is being blown out of proportion. These inspections would be performed by doctors, and doctors are allowed to molest children.”
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“I’m going to look at their genitals myself so the pedophiles can’t get to ’em.”
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“As a licensed psychotherapist, this kind of stuff is money in the bank for me.”
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