SANTA FE, NM—Explaining that the new novel would be a radical departure from his previous work, best-selling author George R.R. Martin reportedly told readers “Fuck you” while announcing Monday that the next book in his A Song of Ice and Fire series will feature pixies and Dracula. “Guess what, shitheads, this next installment is going to be loaded with fairies and vampires, and everything will take place in the Millennium Falcon,” said Martin, raising both middle fingers in the air as he revealed the new book would be called Suck My Dick, You Fucking Dweebs. “Not only is Jon Snow not in this next one, but you’re going to find out that he was a figment of everyone’s imagination the whole time. I’m in it though, because I’m the hero, and I’m aided by a band of foul-mouthed Lego Bionicles and, fuck it, I just added some minions too.” Martin went on to say that it didn’t even matter what was in the book because after he finished writing it, he was just going to burn it in front of all his pathetic fans.