LOS ANGELES—In what city officials described as an ongoing effort to keep residents safe, witness confirmed a powerful tremor shook all of Southern California on Thursday as a gigantic Los Angeles Police Department robot rose from the sea to chase a homeless child away from a park. Uniformed officers were seen piloting the 300-foot-tall, titanium-armored mech, which climbed out of the ocean and sounded its deep, reverberating siren after sensors detected an unhoused 12-year-old sleeping on a park bench after hours. Onlookers said they panicked when the $8.6 billion law-enforcement vehicle—acquired by the LAPD for neighborhood safety patrols amid reports of rising crime—began to stomp in a straight line toward the child, crushing all cars and buildings in its path in order to expel the trespasser. According to sources, car alarms blared and dogs howled as the highly lethal 100-ton robot scanned L.A. streets and fired laser beams from its eyes to warn the frightened, food-insecure child that he was in violation of statutes pertaining to the park’s closing time. Appearing paralyzed with fear, the child was reportedly unable to vacate the premises before the robot swooped in with an LAPD tank, three helicopters, and dozens of squad cars to arrest the unaccompanied minor. At press time, sources confirmed the homeless child had been taken into custody after the giant robot vaporized the park and returned to the ocean, leaving 17 dead and at least 200 injured.
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