NEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such, there is no way in hell we’d ever consider letting a bunch of dirty, stinky boys into our association,” said CEO Sylvia Acevedo, explaining that they’re firmly committed to restricting the admission of rude, loud young men who smell like shit and will mess everything up by getting in the way of their mission to grow their members into happy, successful, and civically engaged young women. “Not in a million goddamn years would we allow those booger-eating slobs to take part in our camping or community service activities. They’ll just fart and burp and piss everywhere all the time.” At press time, Girl Scout officials also stated that they wouldn’t allow anyone from the Boy Scouts to join, adding that everyone knows the organization was for total pussies.

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