Give These Excuses To Immediately Get Out Of Jury Duty

There’s nothing less American than performing civic duties, like paying taxes and obeying the law. Here are the best excuses to use if you want to immediately get out of jury duty.

“It was me. I did it.”

Confessing to the crime eliminates the need for a trial entirely.

“I’m just not that into true crime.”

Just because it’s really having a moment doesn’t mean that it’s for you!

“Unfortunately, I’ve accepted an offer from another jury.”

Tell the judge that while the decision wasn’t easy, you’ve decided to accept a position in another courtroom.

“I have a bailiff allergy.”

A judge will consider health restrictions you might have, so let them know that you could realistically die if you’re even in the same room as a court officer.

“I’m busy.”

The officials in charge of the jury selection process would never dream of interfering with someone who is busy.

“My heart wouldn’t be in it.”

They’re looking for people who not only qualify for jury duty but are genuinely enthusiastic.

“I can’t operate on that jury. He’s my son!”

That’s for getting out of surgeries, you idiot.

“I’ve seen this crime before, so I already know how it ends.”

Most attorneys would be concerned you’ll ruin the ending for the other 11 members of the jury.

“I’m already nude from the waist down, so what makes you think I won’t take off my shirt on a jury?”

Most judges, however, won’t let you finish that sentence.

“It’ll be fun to give this brand-new Covid strain a test drive.”

The doctor said the one you got is pretty new to this country, so a jury room is a great way to test its supposedly startling contagiousness.

“It would be an honor to complete my civic duty.”

Saying this immediately proves you’re a stone-cold liar not to be trusted in any jury.

“I’m a judge, and this is my courtroom.”

Well, what are you doing hanging out in the jury box then?

“I’ve got a thousand bucks riding on the verdict.”

The court will legally have to pay up if you turn out to be right.

“My wittle tummy hurts.”

Who in their right mind would say no to an excuse this cute?

“I have a note from my parents.”

If it helped you get out of P.E. in elementary school, it should work for jury duty too.

“My second head has a work obligation that day.”

Saying this will convince court officials not only that you can’t be impartial but also that you might be hallucinating.

“I’d be so much better as the judge, bailiff, or executioner.”

Every courtroom has difficulty filling non-jury positions, so they’ll appreciate it if you offer your time to serve in those roles instead.

“I’d love to serve, but I’ve been dead for over 20 years.”

Due to the high frequency of clerical errors, you’ll likely be one of many deceased people in the courtroom.

“I’m just not looking for anything serious right now.”

Judges are looking for jurors that aren’t afraid of commitment and can see things through for the long haul.

“I own a bird.”

Disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.