Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks:

  • Pledge to create one new ecosystem for every ecosystem destroyed by climate change
  • Provide aid to help developing island nations transition into fully underwater economies
  • Make shortlist of species actually worth saving at this point
  • Give every world leader nice little non-binding agreement to take back to country as small keepsake
  • Destroy the livelihood of 47-year-old Indiana coal miner and father of four Kevin O’Riley
  • Finalize battle lines for when water wars begin
  • Conceive of, design, and develop reliable, affordable, carbon-neutral source of clean energy capable of powering entire world before conference concludes next Friday
  • Provide political cover for next round of fossil fuel subsidies
  • Settle on scapegoat nation to pin blame on in the event of a worst-case scenario
  • Find most rhetorically effective way to push problem onto next generation
  • Above all to have fun, meet new people, and forge friendships that will last a lifetime