Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks:
- Pledge to create one new ecosystem for every ecosystem destroyed by climate change
- Provide aid to help developing island nations transition into fully underwater economies
- Make shortlist of species actually worth saving at this point
- Give every world leader nice little non-binding agreement to take back to country as small keepsake
- Destroy the livelihood of 47-year-old Indiana coal miner and father of four Kevin O’Riley
- Finalize battle lines for when water wars begin
- Conceive of, design, and develop reliable, affordable, carbon-neutral source of clean energy capable of powering entire world before conference concludes next Friday
- Provide political cover for next round of fossil fuel subsidies
- Settle on scapegoat nation to pin blame on in the event of a worst-case scenario
- Find most rhetorically effective way to push problem onto next generation
- Above all to have fun, meet new people, and forge friendships that will last a lifetime
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