THE HEAVENS—Calling the powerful tropical cyclone one of His greatest meteorological feats to date, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, announced Thursday the first successful test of a Category 7 hurricane. “I’d been tinkering with the idea of a Category 7 for a while and the trial run went off without a hitch, so I’m quite pleased with the results,” said Our Lord and Heavenly Father, describing how the unprecedented 2,000-mile-wide storm gathered strength for 15 days over the warm waters of the Pacific before making landfall on the Marshall Islands test site, battering the small country with 300-mile-per-hour winds and storm surges that raised the water level by 80 feet. “Given how well the test case performed, I’m definitely going to start using these a lot more often. Hopefully, if there aren’t any major setbacks, I’ll roll out several Category 7 hurricanes in the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico by the end of the month.” At press time, God abandoned plans for an experimental earthquake that registers 12 on the Richter scale after the prototype cracked Venus in half.
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