THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all over the Andromeda Galaxy, the Milky Way, everywhere—my whole majestic creation is positively crawling with them,” God said upon noticing a 4-light-year-long line of the insects stretching from Proxima Centauri to a discarded soda can near the Kuiper Belt, which He proceeded to scrub down with bleach. “Okay, I see, they’re all coming from that black hole over in the Perseus Cluster. I’m going to have to spray a can of Raid in there, and then maybe throw down a couple of those bait traps to keep them from spreading across the entirety of space and time. Ugh. At least they didn’t get into the fucking pantry this time.” Heavenly sources stated that the Author of Our Eternal Salvation had also contacted Earth to see how soon He might be able to get an exterminator up there.