THE HEAVENS—Having inhaled nearly every molecule of the thick green atmosphere, God, Our Heavenly Father, announced Monday that He was totally fucked up after huffing a gaseous planet. “Whoa, mama—what the hell was in that thing?” the Lord said, stumbling backwards into the planet’s moons and coughing violently after He had enveloped the celestial body in an immense paper bag and sucked in its churning storm systems in a single breath. “Methane and sulfur for sure, but I’ve huffed Venus a bunch of times before and never got the spins like this. Fuck me, I am wasted.” After vomiting into a black hole and passing out for six hours with a solar system pinned awkwardly under His lower back, the Almighty, suffering from a throbbing headache, vowed that going forward He would stick to getting high by snorting comet tails.

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