HEAVEN—Saying that the former organized crime boss was going where he belonged for his unforgivable sin after his death Tuesday in a West Virginia prison, the Lord Our God, Our Heavenly Father, confirmed that Whitey Bulger had been sent to Hell for snitching. “Look, I am a compassionate God, a merciful God, but there are some evils for which one can never be divinely pardoned, which is why Whitey Bulger today burns in Hell for the mortal sin of snitching,” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things, adding that He hoped Bulger’s eternal damnation would prove a cautionary tale to any other “double-crossing fucking rat” who might be considering turning over information on other members of organized crime to law enforcement. “Many earthly failings are forgivable—idolatry, greed, lust, racketeering, money laundering, extortion. Heck, even murder is understandable in the right circumstances, but what Bulger did, that’s just unconscionable. He pledged an oath to never betray his brothers in arms, and then he broke his word, like the Hell-bound double-crossing scum he is. Now he’ll be down there with all the other goddamn stoolies who we’d never for a second consider allowing in Heaven, lest we spend the rest of the afterlife watching our backs. Man, I fucking hate snitches. To be honest, Judas Iscariot didn’t end up in Hell because he killed himself, it’s because that snake in the grass sold my son out to the Romans. Anyway, enjoy getting a rod shoved up your ass for all eternity, motherfucker.” God added that he looked forward to the day when all of the people who had flipped on U.S. president Donald Trump were tortured in the eternal hellfire as well.

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